Still doing some editing on this one so please excuse the poor writing... Just remember where I got my edumacation.
Welcome to Devil’s Peak High School,
Abandon hope all ye who enter
I’ve noticed something strange these last
couple weeks. Maybe it’s the fact I’m living in a different state then I grew
up in. Or perhaps the times have just changed over the last 10 to 15
years.
The back to school sales have
started full force with all the school supplies moved to the front of many
of stores. That isn’t the strange part. What I find weird are the
expressions on the faces of the high school kids looking through the stuff.
They are actually smiling. Maybe its denial, or they just don’t know what’s waiting
for them in high school. It could be they know they aren’t going to Devil’s Peak High
School.
I remember my first day at Devil’s Peak.
I was lucky, no one knew I was a freshman, therefore no one knew I needed
a Devil’s Peak welcome. What is a Devil’s Peak welcome you may ask? Well, let’s
start at the beginning.
The day is naturally confusing and some
what scary day. Many remember past years at Devil’s Peak and some are
entering the school for the first time. Either way they are more then
justified to be scared.
I was nervous when I arrived at the
school that first day with my friends Martyr (Marty) Perish and Chase Street. Lucky
for us an old friend of ours, with already one year at the school under his
belt, was waiting to intercept us. Our friend Jimmy Hoodland, upon seeing us, ran over to us and said
in a hushed voice,” I’m glad I found you in time, listen up and every
thing should be just fine.” Suffice it to say we got just a little more nervous
at this, so without a word we followed and listened.
Jimmy explained that first we needed to
go to the cashier’s window for our “official schedules”. He explained that the
reason we needed them was that sometimes there were changes in the schedule
that we received during the summer. We later learned that the real reason
was so they could start classes 15 minutes late so the teachers could make sure
their rooms were ready, that they had enough papers, their prayers
were said, and that their last will and testimonies were current.
After we had out “Official Schedules”
Jimmy decided to show us the Quad. Here, on a mural of the Devil in the
center of the school, is the center place of the world of Devil’s Peak. On the
section of grass known as the Senior Lawn, the new masters of the school
wait for a poor lost freshman to wonder onto their lawn and into one of
their trash cans. It is also here that the freshman may purchase copies of
tests that freshmen teachers “always used”, purchase safety from “accidents”,
hall passes, and the infamous Elevator
Pass. In all my years in
Devil’s Peak I never did find the elevators but the pass vendors insisted
they existed.
With the time remaining Jimmy showed us a
spot between the English and commercial building where four benches surrounded a tree.
He told us that at lunch time, we should walk to this spot and sit down
like we owned the place. He said that we’d see why at lunch time.
Finally, as the bell rung to go to class, the
principal, Mr. Baldwell started to call out, “one minute before the tardy bell
rings,” with his megaphone, the freshmen crawled out of their hiding places and
trash cans to go to class, some with hopes to try out their recently purchased
elevator passes not knowing yet that they had wasted twenty bucks. Two
minutes later everyone else started for their classes and one minute later
the tardy bell finally rung.
Now most of the classes are the same the first
day. Each class has a hundred things for you and your parents to sign and
then a bunch of stupid games to learn the names of people you didn’t care
about. During second period, as the teacher begins to explain the
handouts he’s giving, the intercom system starts up with the voice of Mr.
Baldwell saying, "Good morning Devil’s Peak
students, may I please have your attention.”
As the upper classmen groan, the teacher
usually lets off a short string of very colorful words, puts the handouts
down, picks up a novel, and begins to read while the students begin to
play amongst themselves.
There are two theories about the daily
announcements: one is that Mr. Baldwell just really enjoys the sound of his voice;
the other is that it might be a brain washing technique (buy school raffle tickets) which could account for some people staring
dumbly off into space and having memory lapses during (buy school raffle tickets) the announcements.
I learned the secret to getting through
four years of nightmarish speeches was by curling into the fetal position,
covering my ears, and loudly yelling at the beginning of the speech, “NO!
YOU CAN'T HAVE MY ATTENTION! JUST BE QUIET!” Soon the teachers and other
students saw how this process helped maintain sanity during that horrid
moment of the day and began to follow my example.
When lunch time came around, the freshman who
weren’t delirious with fear from the initial welcome, struck out in search
for a piece of unclaimed land where they and their group would be able to
hangout at for the next four years. This was usually very traumatic for them
because as we learned that day, that as new kids milled around looking for a
place to go they were instantly identified as freshmen and were open to more
of the welcoming treatment, and spending additional time face first in a
trash can or held by their feet with their heads in a toilet by those who
were secure in their own territories. Only freshmen with upper classmen friends
(like us), who already had a staked out portion of the school, were spared.
After the end of the half hour lunch the
bell rung again to tell us we had five minutes to get to class, and once
again Mr. Baldwell came out with his megaphone to spend four minutes telling us
we had one minute to get to class. After two more periods of life at
Devil’s Peak the dismissal bell rung and the surviving freshman went home
to beg their parents to home teach them. Some of the smarter ones I knew of
went off to hold up a store, preferring the safety of jail over another
day in what has grown to be known as the devil’s private high school.
Parents tried to comfort them saying it would
be better after a few days. And they were right! For after a few days,
torturing freshmen gave way to fights, riots, sabotage, smoke bombs, and
catching the sophomore English teacher’s projector on fire. But those are
stories for another day.
Copyright © 2011 Marc Van Pelt
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